I'm gonna need something to kill time before my second beer, so how about a first one? –Norm Peterson (Cheers)

Tractor, bonfire, beer... what could go wrong? –SRM

I don't know if I ever had political virginity, but if I did, I think you just took it. —Lewis Cole, Primary Storm, Brendan Dubois

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. –Milton Berle

I'm eating store bought tater salad waiting for the next step making my beer at home. I'm pretty sure that there is a hit Country song in that somewhere. –SRM

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. —Cliff Claven

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. —Casey Stengel

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.  —Fred Allen

Well, if you're gonna have delusions, you might as well go for the really satisfying ones. —Marcus Cole

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.  —Billy Connolly

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.  —Douglas Adams

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. —Drew Carey

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging.  When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.  —Al Capone

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. —Dave Barry

A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it’s better to be thoroughly sure. —Czech Proverb

All the best pubs are built on a hill, so you can slope in and roll out.  ―Benny Bellamacina

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, 'It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'  —Babe Ruth

A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience – except that it is soluble in alcohol.  —Thomas Blackburn

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.  —Frank Zappa

 Everybody has to believe in something... I believe I’ll have another drink. —W.C. Fields

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” —Dave Barry